Burnout Free Living for High Achiever, Driven Women : Beyond Burnout

40: Overcoming Self Doubt As A High Achiever

• Tertia Riegler • Episode 40

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Self-doubt shows up for everyone but for high-achievers it’s tangled up in your identity, success and even in your nervousness system. In this episode we dive into why self-doubt still creeps in, no matter how capable you are or how much you have achieved. Tune in to discover the sneaky ways in which self doubt shows up and how to stop it from running the show.  

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Welcome, I'm Tertia, and you are listening to the Beyond Burnout for Driven Woman podcast where we end the cycle of burnout so you can feel more alive, connected, and in control of your life if you are a high achiever ready to move past overwhelm, overthinking, and overdrive, and instead drop down into your body so you can start living full out, you are in the right spot. Let's dive in. I want to kick off with a story today. A few years ago when I was just starting out as a feminine embodiment coach, I had qualified, I got my certification and I had an opportunity to guest on someone else's podcast. And let me tell you, I panicked. I turned it down. I didn't make use of this opportunity because I was afraid self, self-doubt voice took over in my head and I was thinking things like, what if I mess this up?

What if I sound like, I dunno what I'm talking about? What if they regret inviting me and I turned it down? Now, of course, since that time, my skillset has improved. My body of work has grown, but I did have something to offer even back then. But I doubted that. Can you relate? Maybe it's happened to you before. When you are on the way up, the sky is the limit, and then self doubt sneaks in and convinces you that it's not a good idea. You need to play small. It's frustrating, right? And that's what I want to speak to you about today. So in this episode, we're going to break down why self-doubt is so sneaky, how it keeps you stuck, and most importantly, because that's how our role on these episodes, I want to share with you a practical tool of how you can move through it.

You don't have to let self-doubt run the show. Now, I always experience self-doubt as this inner tug of war. It's this push pull, this desire to step out and then this feeling that I'm not ready, I'm not qualified, or I'm just not enough. And if you have ever been in that situation, you know how exhausting it is. It keeps you stuck even when there is a part of you that is ready for so much more. I always say that knowing what you're up against makes it so much easier to deal with and self-doubt. If we analyse self-doubt, self-doubt is that little voice in your head sometimes not so little voice that questions everything. It's not just about second guessing yourself. Now, and again, self-doubt, an epidemic, chronic self-doubt is much deeper than that. It's the voice in your head that says things like, what if you're not good enough?

What if you fail and everyone sees that's out of your league? What if you make a fool of yourself? What if everyone finds out you don't know what you're talking about? And here's the thing with self doubt, we can easily mistake self doubt to say that it is simply lack of preparation, but it's not. It's most likely to pop out its head as soon as you stretch your comfort zone. As soon as you are stepping into something bigger, newer, or outside of that which you are used to. Self-doubt is not only a problem in terms of how it drives you crazy in your head, right? It actually shows up in your life. It stops you from taking that chance for the opportunity that you really want. It maybe keeps you going over and over and over and endlessly tweaking and endlessly over preparing things, making things perfect before you're ready because yes, you've got it.

And perfectionism are very close cousins. Or maybe it even shows up as procrastination, right? Where you keep on telling yourself you'll do it later, but that later never comes. And self-doubt can even fool you by making you believe that you are being responsible by not taking action. What I know about self-doubt is at the root of it, it's all tied to same thing. It's all tied to fear. Now, you can experience self-doubt as a thought, but this thought manifests in your body, right? It shows up in your body and this is going to feel different for different people. But this is what I want you to do. Think back to a time where you were experiencing self-doubt. Maybe there's a theme in your life or a specific situation where you struggled with this and just see if you can recollect what your body felt like.

Now, some of my clients report that they feel a heaviness or a sluggishness. For me, my stomach twists and it almost feel as if I'm turning away energetically, like I'm wanting to avoid taking that step forward of making that decision. Now, I see this all the time with the woman I work with. I've been there myself too. Like I shared when I turned down that podcasting opportunity, it wasn't because I wasn't capable, it was because I didn't believe I was capable myself. Doubt convinced me that it was safer for me to not even show up at all instead of risking failure. And so I'm wondering, in your life, where are you experiencing this, where you are not even showing up at all instead of risking failure? Perhaps it's something in your relationships. Perhaps it's something to do at work. Perhaps it's something to do with your children, or perhaps it's even something to do with your own self-care and self nourishment.

Now, a big part from self-doubt comes from the roles and the expectations that we've been handed without even realising it. If you take a moment and think back to your childhood, were you encouraged to speak up? Were you encouraged to take risk or even trust yourself? Or were you taught to be polite, to play nice and not to make mistakes? Now, for many of us, myself included, it was the latter. And especially as women, we've been taught that we need to aim for perfection, that we need to avoid failure, that we need to seek validation from others. And often this has been taught quite sadly, so we don't even know that this conditioning is running in the background. When you grow up believing that your worth depends on what others think of you or your worth, depends on your achievements or your worth, but depends on your level of productivity, you start to second guess yourself.

You start to second guess your own decisions and your own abilities and even your own desires. We can be so caught up in this conditioning that runs in the background that we don't even know what we want for ourselves anymore. And then this is an example of where our comfort zone zone stretches a little bit. When we then want to put our hand out and take that opportunity when we want to put our hand up and say, yes, I'll guest on your podcast, or yes, I will find a new way to show up in this relationship. I'll improve my communication skills. Yes, I'm going to start paying attention to how I'm speaking to my partner. This is when self doubt creeps in because we can risk failing. What if we make a fool of ourselves on the podcast? Or what if my partner rejects me?

Now, self-doubt and perfectionism feed off each other. They're like two hungry animals. So perfectionism says you need to get it a hundred percent right, otherwise it's not worth doing. So there's some pressure there. And then self-doubt comes in and says, but what if you can't get it? A hundred percent right? And now you are stuck. You're afraid to act because you're convinced it won't be good enough. And let me just be very clear here. None of this happens on a conscious level. None of this happens on a conscious level. It's all running in the background. And that's why it's so important for us to bring awareness to this because we cannot change what we are not aware of. I say that all the time. Whenever we face uncertainty, whenever we are faced with the unknown, your body can go into survival mode, alright? And this is when self-doubt can often feel so paralysing.

It's your nervous system's freeze response kicking in. And it's the same reaction that your body would have if you were faced with a very hungry bear in the words the bear in this case is giving a presentation or asking for a raise or saying yes to something new, like changing the way that you speak to your partner or guesting on a podcast. Your body does not know the difference between real danger and perceived danger. Just relax. So whether this danger is playing out in the real 3D world or whether it plays out inside your body, inside your nervous system, inside your psyche, it reacts, it keeps you stuck in that loop of overthinking, procrastinating, and often simply avoiding action altogether. And this probably explains why self-doubt doesn't simply go away. If you suddenly get that validation from outside, or if you suddenly have of these people telling you how great you are, if it did, then none of us high achieving woman would ever be stuck, right about how capable you are or about how much you've done or accomplished.

It's about how you see yourself. It's a reflection of your internal beliefs. And this is why I believe, and this is foundational in all of the work that I do with my clients. In order for us to completely transform our lives, to shift from burnout and overwhelm and self doubt, we need to heal the relationship with ourselves. First, external validations will give you a quick boost, right? But that is not sustainable. You cannot build your worth on that. If you don't believe in your worth deep down, then self-doubt is going to come roaring back on the scene. Each time there's a new challenge on the horizon, there's a saying that goes, feel the fear and do it anyway. And I don't fully buy into that concept all together because I believe that one of the biggest problems that we experience in modern day life is that we override the impulse of the body.

We override the messages of the body and we put our nervous systems, we put our bodies into survive mode if we continue to override what is true for us in that moment. And so while it's also true that small actions do move us forward and takes us closer to our goal, I think we need to be careful and not force the situation. So where does this leave us? Now, how do we take that action without freaking ourselves out? And the answer lies in self compassion. Think about it. If you have a friend, or even if you have kids and one of your kids is struggling with something new or they're feeling unsure, how do you talk to them? Do you tell them that they're not good enough or that they should give up? Of course not. You say something encouraging, you say something kind, you hold this space for them.

And yet we don't do that for ourselves. So often when self doubt shows up, we are very quick to criticise ourselves, right? Our inner critic roars up and says, why can't I just pull it together? I should be better at this by now. What's wrong with me? Why do I always go through these patterns? And beating yourself up does not make you better. Now, many of us high achievers, and I've got my hands up in the air here because this is definitely the case for me. We believe that if we are hard on ourselves, when we are critical towards ourselves, it helps us to perform better and to do better. But I'm here to tell you that beating yourself up doesn't make you stronger or more capable. It only adds fuel to yourself. Doubt fires if you have fallen into the habit because it's a habit and because it's a habit, we can change it.

If you have fallen into the habit of fueling yourself doubt with criticism and knocking yourself down for feeling that fear, then I'm going to invite you to start changing that habit. And we'll definitely explore in upcoming episodes how we can begin to break some of these less desirable habits and patterns that we've fallen into. I'd love for you to learn how to treat yourself with the same kindness and care and respect and even love and compassion that you would offer to someone else that you care about. So how do we actually practise self-compassion in the moment? And I've got a three step process which I will take you through. And the very first thing that you want to do is you want to acknowledge what you are feeling. So start by naming it. Say to yourself, I'm feeling uncertain right now. That's okay. We are usually very quick to bypass any discomfort, any emotion or thoughts that makes us feel uncomfortable or that makes us feel tense.

We bypass that. And most likely it's because that we are afraid if we will pause there, if we really allow ourself to be in the experience of this emotion, this self-doubt, this uncertainty, we will get stuck there. And let's face it, it doesn't feel comfortable. It doesn't feel good to be in that space, and yet this is where we want to start, right? So you want to acknowledge what you're feeling. When you acknowledge what it is that you're feeling, you soften against it, and you allow that experience to be present instead of fighting against it. The next thing that you want to do is you want to offer yourself some comfort. Now, I always think of my inner child, my little girl when I come to this step, and this is where you really want to imagine if you were speaking to your best friend, if you were speaking to your child, what would you say to them?

And then you speak that to yourself. You speak that inwards. And this is where I speak to my own inner child. It's my experience that these patterns are most often triggered when our inner child feels unsafe. Alright? And what is it that you want to say to her? Something like, it's okay to feel unsure and you're doing the best that you can, or you don't have to have it perfect to take the next step. Maybe you want to even offer some actual physical comfort. This is where sematic practises can be so helpful to anchor the feeling of safety and comfort into the body. So wrap your arms around yourself. Give yourself a little hug. Rub your hands over your arms. You can't see me doing this, but I'm hugging myself here behind the microphone. What does she need to hear from you? What do you want to say to her?

Just to offer that comfort? And then the final step is just to anchor yourself in the present moment. So just feeling where your body is, maybe feeling where your hands are resting on your body, feeling your feet on the floor or your bum in the seat, wherever it is that you find yourself. Just notice where your body is in relation to time and space and just bring yourself back into that present moment. And what I find really helpful is when I notice my breath. So just simply focusing your awareness on your breath without changing the breath in any way that can bring you back into the present moment. Self-compassion is so, so powerful because it softens your inner critic. When you approach yourself with kindness instead of judgement , this is what helps you to quieten down that voice of self-doubt. This is what begins to ease the fear.

You begin to make space for trust, and the more you practise it, the more you rewire your internal dialogue. You begin to build this relationship with yourself that's rooted in support instead of rooted criticism. You don't need to hit yourself with a whip in order to get ahead. There are other ways to be successful. There are other ways to get things done. And over time, this trust that you build with yourself, this becomes the foundation for navigating so many of the challenges that we experience as we go through our normal messy lives with more confidence and more ease. So here's the most important thing that I want you to take away from today's conversation. Self-doubt doesn't mean that you've broken or that you are weak or not capable. It simply means that you're human and every single one of us feels it. It doesn't matter how confident you are or how successful you are, but self-doubt definitely doesn't have to run the show.

You have the power to begin to change that by coming back to yourself, by coming back into your body and offering yourself that kindness and the compassion so that you can begin to heal that relationship with yourself. And as a result of that, heal the trust in yourself so that you can have more confidence and more freedom in the way that you navigate the world. If this episode hit home for you, then I would love to hear about it dear me on Instagram, and let me know your biggest takeaway. I would love to connect with you. And if you have a friend who's been struggling with self doubt, then send this episode their way. And if you are ready to go even deeper and move beyond burnout and finally reconnect with that spark inside of you, I want to invite you to join the waiting list for my eight week group programme. This programme is designed to help you go from feeling drained, stuck, or constantly second guessing yourself to feeling clear, confident, and alive again, so you can start living fully. Joining the waiting list will give you firsthand access to when the doors open, and you will also be eligible for some exclusive bonuses to support you, and you can find the link to join in the show notes. Thank you so much for tuning in today, and I'll speak to you next time.